Origins and Evolution

The term originated in Craigslist personals as a way for trans individuals to find and connect with other trans people, creating an alternative to the traditional “m” and “w” categories. However, T4T relationships existed long before the internet era. 

One notable historical example is the love affair between Roberta Cowell and Michael Dillion in the 1950s, demonstrating that trans people have always found ways to connect and support each other.

More Than Just Dating

While T4T often refers to romantic relationships, it has grown to represent several important aspects of trans community life. As over 100 anti-trans bills swept across the United States in 2024, T4T networks became crucial lifelines. These connections go far beyond romantic relationships – they’re about survival, joy, and creating the family many of us were denied.

Mutual Support and Solidarity

T4T relationships often provide a unique form of understanding and support that comes from shared experiences. These connections create safe spaces where trans individuals can fully express themselves without fear of judgment or the need to explain their experiences constantly.

Community Building

T4T spaces foster community resilience and collective strength. Through these connections, trans people share resources, knowledge, and support systems that us help navigate both personal and societal challenges.

Self-Love and Empowerment

T4T relationships and community connections help foster self-acceptance and pride. As noted by many trans activists and community members, loving oneself as a trans person is itself an act of resistance in a world that often challenges trans existence.

Some T4T organizations that offer support in multiple ways include: 

• Transgender Law Center (TLC): The largest national trans-led legal organization, fighting for trans rights through advocacy, litigation, and policy work.
• Black Trans Advocacy Coalition (BTAC): A national organization led by Black trans people, focusing on healthcare, housing, employment, and leadership development.
• Brave Space Alliance (Chicago, IL): The first Black- and trans-led LGBTQ+ center on the South Side of Chicago, providing mutual aid, resources, and organizing support.
• Queer Trans Project (Florida, National Impact) – Provides free gender-affirming kits (binders, tucking supplies, HRT care packages) and offers leadership opportunities for trans youth.

What does it mean to embody T4T in your own journey of self-love as a trans or gender-nonconforming person? At its core, it’s about reclaiming the power to define your own path, free from the expectations of those who don’t see or support you. You get to be the architect of your own healing, creating space for self-love that is deep, intentional, and entirely yours.

T4T self-love exists all around us, woven into the ways trans people uplift each other, share knowledge, and build community. Whether it’s through media, personal stories, or collective care, there are countless ways to see yourself reflected and supported. Here’s a resource to help guide you on that journey.

T4T in Media and Popular Culture

T4T relationships have appeared in books, television shows, and movies, and each one tells a different version of an intracommunity love. 

“Detransition, Baby” by Torrey Peters and “Nevada” by Imogen Binnie are T4T cult classics for the ways the authors narrate the complex, dramatic, and heart-twinkling stories of their characters’ relationships. “I Have Always Been Me” by Precious Brady-Davis is a memoir touching on her own T4T love and family. 

On television, we’ve seen iconic couple Nomi (acted by Jamie Clayton) and Amanita in the sci-fi fantasy series “Sense8”. Over in New York’s ballrooms, the T4T extends beyond the romantic and into the chosen family, where Angel, Blanca, Elektra, and Lulu support each other as sisters, mothers, and daughters. 

Some other places where T4T relationships are explored include:

Movies

• “Tangerine” (2015) – A groundbreaking film featuring T4T friendship and community
• “Happy Birthday, Marsha!” (2018) – A short film celebrating trans history and relationships
• “Disclosure” (2020) – Documentary featuring T4T relationships among its interview subjects

Web Series and Online Content

• “Her Story” – Award-winning web series featuring T4T relationships
• “The T” – Web series exploring trans experiences and relationships

Magazines and Media

• “Original Plumbing” – The first magazine for trans men by trans men (2009-2019)
• “TSQ: Transgender Studies Quarterly” – Academic journal with dedicated coverage of T4T topics
• TransLash Media – A trans-led storytelling and media platform amplifying trans narratives through podcasts, documentaries, and digital content.
• The Girls Book – A trans woman led magazine archiving and celebrating trans feminine culture!

Notable T4T Stories

Recent years have seen increasing visibility of T4T relationships in media and popular culture. Some notable examples include:

• Miss Major Griffin-Gracy and Beck Witt, whose parenthood journey at age 79 demonstrated that it’s never too late to create family
• Myles and Precious Brady-Davis, who shared their pregnancy journey on TLC’s “My Pregnant Husband”
• Alphonso Mills and Ja’Mel Ware, whose family story provides an important model of Black trans T4T love and parenting

T4T relationships and communities do more than just connect trans people—they create essential spaces of care, solidarity, and celebration. In a world that often isolates us, these relationships provide support networks where trans people can share transition-related knowledge, swap resources, and pass down hard-earned wisdom. 

They also build political power, strengthening grassroots organizing and ensuring that trans voices are heard. Just as importantly, T4T spaces offer emotional support that goes beyond what cisnormative spaces can provide, allowing trans people to be fully seen and understood. 

Looking Forward

As the visibility of trans experiences continues to grow, T4T connections remain crucial for community resilience and individual well-being. These relationships—whether romantic, platonic, or community-based—help create spaces where trans people can thrive, support each other, and build stronger futures together.

The concept of T4T reminds us that love, in all its forms, is a powerful force for personal and social transformation. As trans communities continue to face challenges and celebrate victories, T4T relationships provide essential foundation for mutual support, understanding, and celebration of trans lives and experiences.

The post TransLash Guide To T4T Love appeared first on TransLash Media.

Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (February 18 – 24, 2024) is an annual, international event devoted to spreading awareness and acceptance of aromantic spectrum identities. This TransLash Guide to Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week centers trans people and will be updated annually to share more resources. Bookmark this page!

What is Aromanticism?

Learn more about the origins of Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week, which celebrates the diverse aromantic spectrum.

“Aromanticism” is a Romantic Orientation That Describes People whose Experience of Romance is Disconnected from Normative Societal Expectations. 

Aromantic identity isn’t a monolithic experience, so it’s important to not assume that all aromantics experience the world and participate in relationships with others the same way.

Aromantic people make up about 1% of the total population but comprise as high as 4% of those ages 18-24 (Bianchi, 2018). This group is relatively small but growing as knowledge of the identity spreads.

Aromanticism isn’t a Transgender or Cisgender-Specific Experience.

As explained by UC Santa Barbara’s Resource Center for Sexual & Gender Diversity, aromantic people can have any gender identity or sexual orientation, including having no sexual orientation. 

Aromanticism usually describes one’s relationship to attraction of a romantic kind and sexual orientation can describe one’s relationship to sexual attraction, so it’s possible to be both aromantic and asexual. 

Within the arospec community, some people use the term split attraction model to describe their different relations to various attractions, including romantic and sexual.

What is Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week?

Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week is a dedicated period aimed at raising awareness and fostering understanding of aromanticism and the aromantic spectrum. 

This international event takes place the week following Valentine’s Day, serving as a counter-narrative to the romance-heavy celebrations that dominate early February. This timing is deliberate, highlighting the existence and experiences of individuals who do not experience romantic attraction in a world that often prioritizes romantic love above other forms of connection.

The week is an opportunity for education, advocacy, and community building, both within the aromantic community and in the broader society. It’s a time to celebrate aromantic identities, share personal stories, and discuss the diverse ways in which people experience (or don’t experience) romantic attraction.

Activities might include online campaigns, educational events, social media engagement, and community gatherings, all aimed at increasing visibility for aromantic individuals and educating others about the aromantic spectrum.

Who Invented the Term Aromanticism?

The story of aromanticism is like an unfolding map, revealing a journey that is deeply rooted in the quest for identity and community.

Prior to the term “aromantic” emerging from early 2000s discussions within the asexual community, there have been multiple examples of aromantic identities throughout history. Here are just a few examples:

Nikola Tesla (1856-1943), credited as responsible for the discovery of electricity, remained celibate his whole life and never married. He maintained that his lack of sexual interest was integral to his scientific abilities and achievements. He is quoted as saying he found all the stimulation he needed in his work. Many historians have posited that Tesla was both asexual and aromantic.

H. P. Lovecraft (1890 – 1937), the controversial horror writer, featured some sexual undertones in his work, however in his personal life he was fairly ambivalent about sex and romance. His wife Sonia Lovecraft was known to complain of his lack of interest in her, and reported that while he did his duty (and well!) when she initiated sex, it required “much encouragement” and he was never the one to initiate.  In 1945 the New York Times noted that “his loathing for fish was even stronger than his aversion to sex” and biographer S. T. Joshi classified him as among the “most Asexual individuals in human history.”

Since the early 2000s, the Term “Aromantic” has Provided a Name to Experiences Long Felt but Seldom Spoken.

The earliest usage found of the term “aromantic” discovered to date is from 2002 (original, archived). Before Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), there was an online Yahoo group called Haven for the Human Amoeba (original, archived). It is there that a user by the name of maxnova100 talked about how they can’t understand their friends throwing away what is important to them for romantic relationships.

According to aromanticism.org, maxnova100 spoke of their aversion to romance, and how that doesn’t mean they don’t want to keep company, a narrative which to many aromantics may sound very familiar.

They ended their post with this sentence: “What would be an appropriate term for somebody who is not quite asexual but who dreads the concept of being in a “relationship?” Aromantic (LOL)?”

Early 2000s aromantic pockets of the Internet were certainly a time of discovery, where individuals found solace and solidarity in understanding that their experiences with romance—or the lack thereof—were not solitary. 

The narrative of aromanticism is a testament to the power of naming our experiences, uniting individuals under a banner of shared identity and understanding.

Aromantic Spectrum Terms

There are many terms related to the aromantic spectrum. Here are a few definitions that may be helpful. This is not a comprehensive list of all terms:

A spectrum (abbreviation: a-spec) An umbrella term for orientations that belong under the aromantic or asexual spectrum. A-spec is also used as an identity term. A spectrum and a-spec are terms that may also be used by individuals with autism. 

Aroflux: Their experience of romantic attraction fluctuates, proving that the only constant in life is change (and fabulousness).

Aromantic spectrum (abbreviation: arospec, aro) An umbrella term for all identities under the aromantic spectrum. Arospec is also used as an identity term. 

Aromantic (abbreviation: aro) Aromantic orientation is generally characterized by not feeling romantic attraction or a desire for romance. Aromantic people can be satisfied by friendship and other non-romantic relationships. Some aromantic people are also asexual, while others desire sexual relationships. 

Demiromantic Imagine needing a deep, emotional bond before even beginning to feel romantic attraction. Demiromantics wait for that special connection, much like waiting for your favorite band to finally go on tour.

Greyromantic These folks occasionally feel the stirrings of romantic attraction, but it’s as rare as finding a four-leaf clover.

Lithromantic One might feel romantic attraction but prefer it unreturned, like sending a message in a bottle out to sea without waiting for a reply.

Sex-Indifferent People on the aro spectrum experience different attitudes towards sex. Sex-Indifferent means that an individual may be open to experiencing sexual activity occasionally or only in certain situations. They may not particularly experience physical or emotional pleasure from these acts with others or themselves, but they do not feel distressed from it. 

Sex-Repulsed People on the aro spectrum experience different attitudes towards sex. Sex-Repulsed means that an individual is not open to experiencing sexual activity. They may feel distress at the thought or mention of sexual activity with others or themselves.

The Aromantics Checklist

Wondering if you might be aromantic? You’re not alone! This easy-to-follow checklist is here to help you navigate your feelings and perhaps shed light on your romantic orientation. Whether you’ve been questioning for a while or are just curious about the term, let’s dive into the signs that might indicate you’re aromantic.

• Romantic Gestures Don’t Excite You: You appreciate the thought behind romantic gestures but don’t find them exciting or desirable for yourself.
• You Prioritize Platonic Over Romantic: Deep friendships and platonic relationships hold more value and satisfaction for you than romantic ones.
• Dating Isn’t on Your Radar: The idea of going on dates or pursuing romantic relationships doesn’t spark interest or feels irrelevant to your life.
• Romantic Subplots Feel Overrated: In movies, books, or shows, you find yourself more interested in the storyline that doesn’t revolve around romance.
• You Don’t Experience Crushes: The concept of having a crush or feeling romantically attracted to someone is foreign or rare for you.
• You Question the Hype Around Romance: You often wonder why society places so much emphasis on romance and romantic relationships.
• Relationship Goals Differ: Your vision of a fulfilling life doesn’t necessarily include a romantic partner or traditional relationship milestones.
• Labels Like “Partner” Don’t Appeal: You might find that traditional labels for romantic partners don’t resonate with you or seem necessary.

Aromanticism isn’t a Monolithic Identity

• It’s a Valid Spectrum: Aromanticism is a legitimate orientation, and it encompasses a range of experiences, including greyromantic and demiromantic identities.
• Diverse and Inclusive: People of any gender, age, or background can identify as aromantic. It’s a broad spectrum that welcomes everyone.
• Not About Being Cold or Unloving: Aromantic individuals form deep, meaningful connections; they simply experience love and attraction differently.

Discovering you’re aromantic is a journey of self-understanding and acceptance. It’s about recognizing and embracing how you experience attraction and what types of relationships bring you joy and fulfillment.

Aromantic Spectrum Influencers

BMUD ANGEL (They/She)

A unique voice in the AroAce YouTube community, BMUD ANGEL offers a quirky yet informative perspective on aromanticism, mixing nonsense with pointed observations.

Follow BMUD ANGEL

Mak (She/Her)

A cisgender woman AroAce writer and social activist., Mak shares her experiences as a Black woman born in Ghana. Twitter: thegoldenaro

Spacey Aces

Members: Elle (They/He/She) and Kaden (Any pronouns)

A duo of genderfluid and non-binary demisexual aromantic YouTubers and activists, Spacey Aces explore queer expression, neurodivergence, and the existential edges of being AroAce.

Instagram: spacey_aces, TikTok: spacey_aces

Lyn Saga

A nonbinary aroace, Lyn Saga expresses their creativity through various channels, including art and gaming streams.

Instagram: lynnsaga, Twitch: lynnsaga

G.C. Kingsey

AroAce, Split Attraction Model Advocate, and Gender Activist GC Kingsy engages with audiences on YouTube, discussing topics related to aromanticism, asexuality, and gender identity.

YouTube: G.C. Kinsey

Aromantic Resources

AUREA (Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy) AUREA offers comprehensive information on aromanticism, including resources tailored for those who are also navigating gender identity questions.

AVEN (The Asexual Visibility and Education Network) While focused on asexuality, AVEN also provides support and resources for the aromantic community, with forums that include discussions on transgender and non-binary experiences.

The Trevor Project Offers crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ youth, including those who are TGNC and on the aromantic spectrum. The site also has educational resources on LGBTQ identities.

Genderqueer.me A blog and resource directory focusing on non-binary and genderqueer identities, which includes content relevant to aromantic individuals.

Trans Student Educational Resources (TSER) Provides educational advocacy and resources for transgender students, with inclusivity that encompasses aromantic individuals.

Social and Community Support

r/aromantic and r/asexual

Reddit has online communities where individuals on the aromantic and asexual spectrums share their experiences, including those related to being TGNC.

Educational Resources

“A Quick & Easy Guide to Asexuality” by Molly Muldoon and Will Hernandez This accessible comic book guide provides an overview of asexuality, with inclusivity that extends to aromantic and TGNC readers.

“A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns” by Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimerson While focused on pronoun use, this guide supports understanding gender diversity, which is beneficial for TGNC aromantic individuals.

“Loveless” by Alice Oseman A novel featuring an aromantic asexual protagonist exploring identity, friendship, and the importance of non-romantic relationships, offering representation that resonates with TGNC readers.

Did you find this Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week resource helpful? Consider supporting TransLash today with a tax-deductible donation. Did we miss anything? Let us know and we’ll update the guide with your suggestion, crediting you as the contributor.

The post TransLash Guide to Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week appeared first on TransLash Media.

This trans-affirming guide to sex with trans people references the wisdom of Mira Bellwether, Quinn Rhodes, Phoebe VanCleefe, Original Plumbing: Trans Male Quarterly 2009 – 2019), brazen: Trans Women’s Safer Sex Guide (2013), and more.

For more information on how to respect and support trans sex workers, contact your local Sex Workers Outreach Project (SWOP) Chapter and Black/trans-led resources that serve trans sex workers such as Callen-Lorde Community Health Center in NYC. Watch the above video to learn about laws that specifically target Black and brown trans sex workers and how to fight back.

For age-appropriate sexual health education for minors of all genders, check out the book Sex Is a Funny Word: A Book about Bodies, Feelings, and YOU by Cory Silverberg.

If you are under 18 and are reading this sex guide on our website, please share the link with an adult you trust for further discussion. We love you and want you to feel informed and protected!

What Is Sex With Trans People Like?

Whether you’re trans, cis, or gender nonconforming, you deserve sexual experiences that are pleasurable, consensual, and affirming (learn more about relationships in our T4T love guide).

Regardless of your gender, you likely already know that sexual experiences can be like snowflakes; not one is ever the same and can manifest in different ways. Most people, at the end of the day, want to be seen and appreciated for who they really are: in and out of the bedroom.

Unfortunately, when searching the web for “what is sex with trans people like” in the United States, most of the first few pages of results are confusing Reddit threads, a few medical journals, and lots of porn sites.

Do Not Rely On Porn For Credible Trans Sex Education

Pornography websites should NEVER be the first place someone goes to when seeking to learn about how to have enjoyable, consensual sex with trans people. Porn is fantasy and can involve problematic depictions of people of ALL genders, so while porn for consenting adults in general isn’t a bad thing, it can be a terrible teacher for real-world bedroom dynamics.

As Lux Alptraum reported for them in 2018, another significant factor in sex as a trans person is the experience of sex before and after transitioning, which is rarely addressed in porn.

While we could devote several guides specifically to pre- and post-transition sex, what we’ll share here is an excerpt of Alptraum’s interview with Rebecca Hammond, a trans woman:

• Transition can alter the experience of sex in physical, mental, and emotional ways.
• Bottom surgery can create a dramatic demarcation between sex pre- and post-transition, with the creation of an entirely new intimate body part that offers access to a radically different landscape of sexual experiences.
• Even without a surgical procedure, transition can alter the experience of sex in physical, mental, and emotional ways.
• Exploring sex as transition changes your sense of who you are can be a fraught experience — one as terrifying as it is exciting. Learn more here.

Do you know where your trans sex partner is on their gender journey? Asking questions (in appropriate ways) is key to a mutually pleasurable experience.

The Nuances Of Disclosure In Trans Sex

Some trans people do not feel safe to initially disclose they are trans before, during, or after sex. If you are cisgender, we encourage you to hold space for their justified fears and to refrain from perpetuating anti-trans violence under the guise of the “gay/trans panic” defense.

Trans people don’t owe you their life story and don’t have to disclose from jump that they are trans, in the same way that a person you just met doesn’t have to immediately tell you they are bisexual, vegetarian, or Catholic.

But once you discover someone you had sex with is trans, you do have a right to respectfully ask questions and gain clarity on how you both want to move forward.

How Do I Have Sex With Trans People When I Don’t Have Any Experience?

Doing anything for the first time can inspire the full spectrum of human emotions, especially when it comes to sex. Here are just a few reasons why people of all genders might initially feel nervous about engaging in sex with a trans person:

• Not wanting to unintentionally misgender someone during sex;
• Not wanting to touch a trans person’s body in ways that make the trans person feel like they are being misgendered or dehumanized without consent;
• Being uninformed about what is pleasurable for trans people who had top or bottom surgery (or who are pre-op);
• Not understanding that sexual positions aren’t gender-specific and feeling trapped in a binary understanding of sexual power dynamics and roles;
• Struggling with internalized/unresolved transphobia that prevents you from enjoying sex with trans people.

All of these concerns and fears could be getting in the way of you engaging in joyful, pleasurable, consensual sex with your trans boo, and that is unfortunate! We hope that this guide helps you get to a place of clarity and confidence.

Step 1: Share this TransLashGuide to T4T and Trans-Cis Sex with your lover/hookup as part of an initial and ongoing conversation about both of your desires, boundaries, concerns, and needs.

You don’t need to both be trans to get something out of this guide! People of all genders make mistakes before/during/after sex. Additionally, compounding factors such as religious and sexual trauma can make even talking about sex really hard for people of all genders.

“Why do I have to do so much planning before sex? Why can’t I just go with the flow?”

While learning things organically about your lover through the actual act of sex can be a beautiful thing, it can also be useful (and prevent harm while maximizing mutual pleasure) to gather some information before sex.

Step 2: Here’s a trans-affirming checklist to inform your clarifying conversation with any sexual partner of any gender:

• What are your physical boundaries? EX: Where do you like to be touched/don’t want to be touched?
• What are you open to exploring and what are you absolutely not interested in?
• What are your access needs before/during/after sex so that I don’t perpetuate ableism with you?
• What pronouns do you prefer in the bedroom (sometimes they are different)? What are some specific triggers for you that I should avoid?
• Are there body parts that you prefer to be identified in specific terms that I may not automatically know?
• What are some go-to sexual acts that you really enjoy and that help you achieve orgasm?
• Is orgasm always (or ever) an end goal with you, and if not, how do you prefer to pleasurably end a sex act with someone?
• If you are unable to orgasm or aren’t interested in having an orgasm, what make sex a fulfilling experience for you and how can I support that?
• Do you like to to role play, and if so, what’s your ideal role play scenario?
• Do you like to give or receive oral sex, and if so, in what ways?
• Do you like to to be penetrated or to penetrate others, and if so, in what ways?
• How do you practice safe sex and what is your preference for how we practice safe sex together?
• Have you recently been tested for HIV/AIDS and STDs? What were the results of those tests?
• If you do have HIV/AIDS, what are ways that we can engage in safe sex together, and how I can support you in accessing what you need?
• What are your safe words when it comes to sex, BDSM, and other forms of kink?
• What is your preferred form of aftercare and what can I do to make sure you feel comfortable and safe after sex?
• Do you have a safe place to go after we are done being intimate, such as your home or another location, and a way to get there? If not, how can I support you?

REAL TALK: asking questions before sex can feel awkward for some folks. That’s valid!

You don’t need to ask all these questions immediately over one meal, in one phone conversation, or in one long text. It’s okay to take your time to get to know someone. In fact, you might overwhelm the other person if you initially approach this conversation with an entire checklist. It’s not a job interview, it’s sex!

Use discernment and go at your own pace. There isn’t one right way to get to know somebody or their sexual preferences, whether they are cis or trans. But if you’re willing to be vulnerable with the person you care about and desire, to make clear that you are asking questions out of wanting to support mutually enjoyable experiences, you’re already off to a great start.

Additionally, there are some clarifying questions you should consider asking a one-night stand in advance of sex, to minimize harm and maximize pleasure for all parties involved.

For hookups, take the time to consider from the above list which questions you need to know the answer to before letting a stranger do anything to your body.

Your vetting questions may prevent you from having a terrible experience or unintentionally causing harm to someone else. Protect yourself!

Here’s a very helpful guide to sex with trans women in the form of a zine, thanks to Mira Bellwether. She passed away on December 25, 2022:

Step 3: Before you try to get in a trans person’s pants, be a part of a trans person’s peace; not part of their struggle.

HARM REDUCTION TIP: We do not recommend that cisgender people use dating and hookup apps to approach trans people for any forms of casual sex before making any attempt to educate themselves about the multiple forms of oppression that trans people face in this world.

If you truly care about mutually enjoyable and consensual, trans-affirming sex with trans people, take the time to learn about our lives. Don’t count on trans people to let you use their bodies for free emotional and intellectual labor through sex.

One important form of allyship is taking time to educate yourself.

Additionally, cultivate authentic friendships with trans people online and offline in your area to avoid viewing them as objects who only exist to fulfill your fantasies.

Trans people are prismatic beings, just like you, who deserve a world that is safe and equitable.

Step 4: Keep these affirmations in the back of your mind, regardless of your gender:

• It’s okay if I don’t want to participate in a sexual act, or to not have sex at all. My consent is equally important.
• I can wait to have sex with someone until I have more information about their preferences and boundaries (and until they learn more about me).
• Sex can still be sexy and exciting if I have a clarifying conversation with my lover/hookup before we have sex. In fact, the actual experience can be far more pleasurable if I gather information in advance, versus going in with zero knowledge or preparation around my partner’s boundaries and desires.
• It is okay to stop during sex to re-establish a boundary or to ask a clarifying question. Anyone who has a problem with me checking in during sex likely isn’t a safe person to be sexual with at this time, or at any time.

Step 5: NEVER FORGET that being trans doesn’t automatically make you an expert on sex with all trans people.

Trans folks may share certain experiences of oppression and erasure, but even within trans communities you will find many examples of unjust privilege, bias, and discrimination, including anti-Blackness, classism, and ableism.

If you as a trans person enter into a sexual encounter/dynamic with someone who has less institutional power or class privilege than you, be self-aware about how you take up space. You may be unintentionally centering your own desires at the expense of your trans lover’s needs and concerns.

Intentionally or not, upholding oppression in and out of the bedroom isn’t hot.

Sex is both a physical and mental experience. Power dynamics (both institutional and kink-based) play a huge role in someone’s experience of sex.

If you as a trans person feel that you are being heard, and your boundaries respected, that will likely open you up to more pleasure and interest in trying new things with your lovers of all genders.

Conversely, if you feel dehumanized and disrespected during sex as a trans person and that things are being done to you without your consent, then your experience of sex regardless of your gender is likely going to feel disempowering and traumatizing.

You have a right to experience sex that is gender-affirming, enjoyable, transformative, and yes; even healing.

TransLash Podcast with Imara Jones invited BDSM educator and sex worker advocate Ze R to talk about kink, gender, and what it looks like to embrace your kinky side as a trans person. Access the transcript here.

As Imara Jones wrote for TransLash Zine, “when we talk about trans liberation, we can’t forget that a key ingredient is the total freedom to control our bodies, explore our desires, and find pleasure through sexual expression on our own terms. That’s because there is no greater sign of self-determination than body autonomy.”

Asking questions in advance of a sexual act with a person of any gender can prevent many misunderstandings, confusion, disappointments and forms of harm, such as ableism.

No one is an expert on all forms of sex, but we can always learn more and do better as sexual partners through remaining curious, respectful, and making sure consent is always at the forefront.

For even more trans sex tips read on; navigating intimacy in T4T (Transgender for Transgender) and transgender-cisgender relationships can be a deeply enriching experience.

The rest of this guide aims to provide more insights into respectful, consensual, and fulfilling intimate relationships, emphasizing the importance of communication, understanding, and individual preferences.

Pronouns In Relationships

• Affirmation: Pronouns are not just words; they are integral to a person’s identity. Using someone’s correct pronouns affirms and respects their gender identity.
• Best Practices: If unsure about someone’s pronouns, respectfully ask and consistently use them in interactions. This practice helps create a supportive and affirming environment for all parties involved!

Discussing and Respecting Bodies

• Recognize Individual Relationships with Bodies: Every person has a unique relationship with their body. Acknowledge and honor this individuality, understanding that experiences and comfort levels vary widely.
• Practice Empathy: Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Understanding their perspective can guide you to be more sensitive and respectful in your conversations about bodies.
• Use Affirming and Consensual Language: Opt for language that both partners feel comfortable with. This might mean using non-traditional terms for body parts or sexual acts, tailored to each individual’s preferences.
• Avoid Assumptions: Never assume how someone refers to their body parts. What might be comfortable for one person could be distressing for another.

Consistent Check-ins and Consent

• Consent is dynamic and ongoing in any intimate relationship: It’s essential to regularly Check In: It’s not only okay but crucial to check in with your partner frequently for consent. This can be as simple as asking, “Is this okay?” or “Do you like this?”
• Respect Boundaries: Understand that previously discussed boundaries in a play scene can change. Always be prepared to adapt and respect new boundaries.
• Be Open to Change: Remember that what was planned or desired might change in the moment. Be open and responsive to these shifts, ensuring both partners feel safe and comfortable.

Intimacy And Sexual Activities

When it comes to intimacy, communication and consent is key. T4T couples, as well as cisgender and transgender couples, can explore a variety of sexual activities that are comfortable and enjoyable for both partners.

It’s important to have open conversations about what each person enjoys, their boundaries, and how to navigate any gender dysphoria that might arise during intimacy.

Suggested Sexual Positions And Activities

• Mutual Masturbation: This can be a comfortable starting point, as it allows partners to show each other what they enjoy.
• Oral Sex: Can be tailored to each partner’s comfort level and preferences.
• Penetrative Sex: If comfortable, use strap-ons, dilators, or fingers. Always prioritize consent and comfort.
• Non-Penetrative Touch: Activities such as erotic massaging, kissing, and cuddling can be deeply intimate and affirming.

Safe Sex Practices for Transgender Individuals

• STI Prevention: The use of barrier methods like external condoms, internal condoms, or dental dams is crucial for preventing STIs. It’s important for transgender individuals to feel empowered to make safe sex decisions.
• Condom-less sex: For T4T relationships, understanding and implementing a range of safe sex practices is critical for health and well-being.

PrEP And PEP

• Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP): This is a preventive medication for HIV-negative individuals to reduce the risk of HIV infection. Which is very effective when taken regularly as prescribed.
• Post-Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP): PEP involves taking HIV medicines very soon after a possible exposure to HIV occurs to prevent the virus from taking hold in your body. It’s an emergency measure and must be started within 72 hours after potential exposure to HIV.

Partner Communication And Sexual History

Openly talking about past sexual experiences, STI testing history, and current health status is vital. These discussions should be respectful, consensual, and non-judgmental.

Barrier Methods and Other Considerations

• Condom Use: Despite the availability of PrEP, PEP, and Doxy-PEP, using barrier methods like condoms and dental dams is essential to prevent other STIs.
• Regular Testing: Regular testing for STIs, including HIV, is recommended. For those at risk of HIV infection, discussing pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) with a healthcare provider is advised.
• Gender-Affirming Hormones STIs and pregnancy: It’s important to note that gender-affirming hormone treatment does not reduce the risk of acquiring STIs or prevent pregnancy. 
• Navigating Gender Dysphoria: If gender dysphoria arises during sex, having a plan like a safe word or specific actions that can provide comfort is beneficial.
• Considerations Post-Surgery: For individuals who have had gender-affirming surgery, being mindful of unhealed skin and using plenty of lube during sex can reduce the risk of STI transmission.

More Trans Sex Resources

T4T and Trans-Cis Sex and Relationships Articles

• T4T: Why We Need to Talk More About Sex Between Trans People, SexualBeing
• The Transmasc Couple’s Guide To The Liberator Wedge, Liberator
• How to Have Sex With a Transmasculine Partner, Autostraddle
• A trans man’s perspective on sex, Gender PG
• What everyone should understand about dating a trans woman, Cosmopolitan
• Addressing the Rifts Between Black Transgender Women and Black Cisgender, Heterosexual Men, The Body
• 8 Tips on Respectfully Talking Pleasure, Sex, and Bodies With Your Trans Lover, Everyday Feminism
• Navigating happy, healthy sex as a trans feminine person, Together We Can
• REDDIT THREAD: “Any tips for first time sex with a mtf trans woman?”
• The Straight Men Who Have Sex with Trans Women, Vice News
• Transfemmes on What It’s Like to Have Sex for the First Time After Transitioning, them
• 14 Things You Need to Know Before Dating a Trans Woman, Cosmopolitan

Mental And Physical Health Resources

• Trans Lifeline: Offers direct emotional and financial support to trans people in crisis – for the trans community, by the trans community.
• The Trevor Project: Provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ youth, with specific resources for transgender and questioning youth.
• Transgender Health & Wellness Center: Offers a wide range of health services and resources specifically for transgender individuals.
• PLHIV Resources, SOUTHERN AIDS COALITION
• National LGBT Health Education Center: Provides educational programs, resources, and consultation to health care organizations with the goal of optimizing quality, cost-effective health care for LGBT people.
• SIECUS: Sex Ed for Social Change: Advocates for comprehensive education and promotes sexual health.
• American Sexual Health Association (ASHA): Provides information on sexual health and STIs.

Health Care Provider Directories

• RAD Remedy: Dedicated to connecting trans, gender non-conforming, intersex, and queer folks to accurate, safe, respectful, and comprehensive care.
• WPATH Global Provider Directory: Lists healthcare professionals worldwide who specialize in transgender care.

Advocacy Groups

• Transgender Law Center (TLC): Offers legal resources and advocacy for transgender rights, including health care access and discrimination.
• Lambda Legal: Fights for the civil rights of LGBTQ people and everyone living with HIV through litigation, education, and policy work.
• GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network): Works to ensure that LGBTQ students are able to learn and grow in a school environment free from bullying and harassment.
• PFLAG: Offers support, education, and advocacy for LGBTQ people, their families, friends, and allies.

Research And Policy Institutes

• Williams Institute: Conducts research on sexual orientation and gender identity law and public policy.
• National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE): Advocates for policy change to advance transgender equality.

Online Communities And Forums

• Susan’s Place Transgender Resources: Offers a supportive space for transgender individuals, including forums and articles on a variety of topics related to transition and health.
• MyTransHealth: Designed to connect transgender individuals with qualified, safe healthcare providers.

More Educational Resources

• Trans Student Educational Resources (TSER): Provides resources for transgender students, including information on navigating the education system.
• Point of Pride: Offers support and resources including annual transgender surgery funds, a free chest binder donation program, and a free femme shapewear program.
• Gender Spectrum: Provides education, training, and support to help create gender-sensitive and inclusive environments for all children and teens.

Did you find this trans sex resource helpful? Consider supporting TransLash today with a tax-deductible donation. Did we miss anything? Let us know and we’ll update the guide with your suggestion, crediting you as the contributor.

The post A Guide to Trans Sex: T4T and Trans-Cis appeared first on TransLash Media.

“Wow,” she says, gesturing to the flatness of my torso with a smile. Then she looks down at her own body and points at her full breasts, freshly shaved and smooth. “Wow.” She looks at me again. I smile back. We don’t need any other words to say what we feel. So I simply go back to kissing her.

If you are a member of the transgender, non-binary, and gender non-conforming community, you are likely no stranger to the fact that being in relationships while also being trans can be … complicated. Our physical forms are often works in progress, and our existence is far too often the target of hate speech and ignorant headlines. Even with our supportive cisgender partners, we can find ourselves guiding them through uncharted waters when it comes to body parts, labels, or something akin to a gender language barrier.

However, not all of us have cisgender partners; many TGNC folks fall in love with one or more kindred transgender spirits, forming what is commonly known in our community as a “T4T” (i.e. “trans for trans”) relationship. From two binary trans people with a heterosexual dynamic, to a polycule of nonbinary and genderfluid humans, these partnerships are as wonderfully varied as queer people themselves. 

Take my current relationship, for instance. I met my partner, a panromantic asexual transgender woman, shortly after I had ended a four-year relationship with a bisexual cisgender man. She was the recording engineer and technical director for a project I was tracking vocals on, and when she mentioned that she’d be taking time off for her breast augmentation surgery the next month, I asked her if she had anyone coming to take care of her during her recovery. She shyly admitted she wasn’t very good at asking for help, and I said, “Cool, I’m coming Tuesday.” I showed up as promised, thinking it would be a one-time favor for a new friend, but something about her just kept me coming back. And hey, the rest is history.

As a *demi-panromantic, asexual, and agender/gender non-conforming person, when someone experiences attraction to me, it often raises questions about who they see me as and what they’re really attracted to. Part of what brought the two of us together was the conversations we had about asexuality and queer platonic relationships (aka QPRs)—we actually began our relationship as platonic partners and later realized that it had blossomed into something more. In both the platonic and the romantic chapters of our story, the emphasis has been on providing support in the ways our previous relationships had lacked. And after just eight months of knowing each other, I have noticed with gratitude the difference in how my girlfriend affirms and cares for gender, sexuality, and even consent.

A lot of it is the little things. She calls me her “dragon” (an enchanted non-gendered term of endearment that I love) and creates spaces where I can feel like the strong one. I seek out feminine language to include in my conversations with her, like “enchantress,” “goddess,” and “hey, girly.” She made a point of shifting her language around body parts when I explained what words felt icky or not right for me. I make spaces for her to be soft and delicate, something that felt forbidden before she transitioned and was being perceived as male. Before my top surgery, she would check in with me about my chest binding to make sure I was being safe and taking breaks. At every opportunity, I make sure to compliment her on her hair, dresses, and make-up—anything that I know will make her feel girly and beautiful. We’re both always on the lookout for affirming gifts to give each other, and we casually exchange pre-transition clothes and belongings without a second thought. And the list goes on; a myriad of threads that form a tapestry of love and support.

It’s also in the unspoken things. Even though our trans experiences are not identical by any means, so much of our emotional connection starts with understanding one another on a deeper level. We never have to explain why something feels affirming, or why at times we need certain things to relieve dysphoria. We don’t have to explain what dysphoria is or feels like. We don’t need to worry about our partner’s chosen family and social circle being safe and accepting. We are also conscious of how anxiety-inducing it can be to enter new spaces, and we always attend to each other’s sense of safety. Our relationship has more room to breathe and grow because the focus isn’t on being trans, but on being ourselves together.

To be intimate with someone who has no preconceived expectations for how parts are “supposed” to operate is liberating. To be supported in your transition by someone who understands it and holds actual joy for you is exhilarating. The conversations we have, the inside jokes, the shared desire to see more queerness in media; we experience life differently from our cisgender peers, and the way our histories contain little echos of each other is just one facet of our secret language. Take it from a dragon and a vampire princess—being in love with another trans person is magical.

Definitions

Demisexual/Demiromantic: Demisexuality and demiromanticism are subsets of asexuality and aromanticism, respectively, as are the rest of the identities on this list. Demi is French for “half,” and was first coined to describe a person who does not experience attraction to an individual until a significant emotional bond has formed. This works off of the idea of primary attraction and secondary attraction. Primary attraction is attraction to people based on first impressions, such as appearance or how they smell. Secondary attraction is attraction to people that develops over time, and forms out of the relationship one has with a person, and their emotional connection. This can be applied to both romantic attraction and sexual attraction. Demisexuals or demiromantics do not experience primary attraction, but do experience secondary attraction.

Pansexual: Used to describe a person who has the capacity to form enduring physical, romantic, and/ or emotional attractions to any person, regardless of gender identity. This is one of several terms under the bi+ umbrella.

Asexual: Asexuality is probably the most well-known of the a-spec identities. Many people who identify with one of the subcategories of asexuality will use asexual when talking about their identity in public because it’s the easiest to explain. A simple definition that I use is: Someone who does not experience sexual attraction towards anyone. It’s important to remember, however, that attraction and action are not always the same: some asexuals may be repulsed by the idea of sexual contact and won’t engage in it, but others may be sex-neutral or sex-positive and will have sex. Some asexuals have a libido or will masturbate but won’t be open to sex with someone else, while others may not have a libido but will have sex with a partner because of the sense of connection that comes from it. Everyone experiences their asexuality differently, so it’s important not to make assumptions about an asexual person or their experiences.

Agender: As first reported by them., “agender” refers to people who don’t identify themselves with any particular gender. This can mean being genderless, lacking gender, or having a null gender. However, people also use “agender” to mean identifying as gender-neutral or having an undefinable gender.

Featured image courtesy of Broadly’s Gender Spectrum Collection.

Socks Whitmore (they/them/theirs) is a writer, stage and voice actor, and lyricist-composer rooted in voice and text. A graduate of CalArts, the range of their writing spans from musical theater to narrative design for games to poetry, short fiction, and op-eds. They have been produced by New Musicals Inc. and Overtone Industries and published by American Composers Forum, the Sappho Small Talk blog, and Queer Quarterly magazine, among others. Learn more about Socks here.

The post T4T Magic appeared first on TransLash Media.